“Your problem is you’re… too busy holding onto your unworthiness.”  ~Ram Dass

Today that quote is me. I know we have all been here before, to that low place where we just feel like quitting. Nothing I do seems right, it seems like I am going no where. Well, today is one of those days. I feel tired, a little depressed and just ready to throw in the towel. But I can’t… That is the good news. I know I can’t. But I find myself arguing with myself about wanting to. There is an inner conversation going on between my higher self and my mind or maybe my emotions. The labels don’t matter they aren’t listening to me anyway. There they are just arguing away even as I type. The fact that I am aware of the duality of the situation gives me a little courage. It lets me know I have made progress. Because several years ago I would have fallen victim to these thoughts. I would have surrendered to the depression for more than just a few minutes. Now days I honor my feelings by giving myself a few minutes to feel sad and depressed. It is easier for me to give it a few minutes than to fight with it all day. Then after a few minutes of allowing myself to go there, I pick myself up brush the dirt off my pants and get on with it. I get over it or at least I tell myself I am and if I say it enough it will become true, at least for me. Why I still need to go here everyone in a while I’m not sure. But I have lived there before and I am much happier as a visitor than I was as a resident. So I accept the progress and move on.

“Does that screaming come from me?” I love the symbolism of this quote. That there is a person screaming and a person aware of the screaming all wrapped up in one. That is me today!

I get to these places where I just want it all to go away. I want to run away and never come back. Because it is so much easier to run away than it is to face the problems head on. Sometimes I get tired of fighting. Fighting for progress, fighting for what I want. Maybe part of the problem is looking at things as a fight. There is no happiness or progress in fighting. But sometimes life feels like a fight. Like there is someone at every turn waiting to take you down. And the more I think about life this way the more I prove to myself it is true. So, I need to change the way I look at things so the things I look at change. That is my way of turning that quote into my own words to match my day.

So right now I am going to continue to do the best I can do and continue to put one foot in front of the other. To continue to move forward and try not to get sucked down into the darkness that is calling my name today. It would be so easy to surrender, to turn around and walk into that darkness. It is so familiar and I know that I could go there and just sit down and cry. I wouldn’t have to fight anymore, I wouldn’t have to smile I could lose myself in the self-pity of it all. But despite how easy it would be, I am not going there. I am not going to take that easy road, I am going to put my head up high and walk towards the light. Because deep down in my heart I know I would rather be sitting in the sun laughing than sitting in the darkness crying….

In Peace and Love,

Michelle

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss