Today a friend sent me a post on Facebook. Seems simple enough. She sent it to me with a beautiful note and kind words. Everything you can ask for really. Someone who you don’t see everyday who knows a piece of you that you hide from the world. Someone who reads something and thinks of you. She isn’t someone I see everyday or interact with constantly she is just someone that took that extra little bit of time to break through the walls. Which let me tell you isn’t something that is easily done or easily accepted by me. But she did and we have had moments of honesty in a very busy world. That is something to be appreciated.

So I read what she sent me. A very beautifully written and brutally honest piece about feeling out of place and being a person who feels the world very deeply. Actually the piece was about so much more but I will not do it justice trying to summarize it into just a few words so I am going to continue and just leave it here. But what I took from it that has sparked me to write today was about how we walk through life pretending. I’m pretty sure that I am not the only one to do this. We as teenagers, adults, parents and spouses want to present the best to the world. We want people to look at us and think that we have our shit together. But if you are anything like me even on the rare day when I do actually have all the exterior shit together my inner world is a mess. If I had to describe what it would look like it would be like a child’s messy bedroom. Self esteem rumpled like sheets and blankets at the end of an unmade bed. Confidence thrown like dirty laundry over the chair, stained from the battle of pretending like yesterday you had some. Composure kicked into corner of the room like muddy shoes. And Strength shoved under the bed like long forgotten toys.  But even though I might wake up and look around and see this type of mental mess I know I must get up. Somedays I work on cleaning the room and other days I just sigh and walk out to face the day. But the point being that no one sees the mess but you or at least you hope no one does…

Ever since I became a mother, almost 14 years ago, I have found it interesting how desperately mothers want each other to think we have it all together. We talk about how wonderful motherhood is and all the joy it brings. All of that is true but very rarely do you find a circle of mothers who are honest about the rest of motherhood. The dirty parts; the exhaustion, the self doubt, the not wanting to repeat the mistakes of our own childhoods and the everyday mental struggle of “are we screwing up our kids”. It use to really bother me. Because one of the biggest downfalls of pretending is it isolates people. It makes everyone feel alone in their fears and doubts. And who hasn’t had the moment over and over where you ask yourself are you really the only one who feels this way. That lonely moment of fear where you think it is just you against the world as you cling to the edge of the cliff by your fingernails. Bonding over the hard stuff would provide a stronger community not just of mothers but of people. And please know I am not just speaking of complaining. But sometimes a little bit is ok.

There is some irony in how we all want to act ok. To be normal and to smile and not let anyone know our doubts and insecurities. And for me the irony is that pretending to be ok doesn’t help anyone. It is when you let down your walls that you find help and can provide help. And sometimes you will never know about the help that it might provide. And that is ok. It isn’t about the reward it is about the community. Just reading that someone else feels like you might give you the strength to go straighten the mental mess, stand a little straighter and face the world with a little more strength than before. (Which happened to me today with the article) Or you might find that it might just help you. You might just feel a little lighter when the load is shared with friends, or in the case of the internet, complete strangers. Either way pretending isn’t always the right choice. Sometimes we have to let down the walls enough to start to fix the foundation. And in that we might find that we are stronger for it.

With love and support for your own journey,

Michelle

Sometimes you have to turn and face your demons. I am trying to do that today with several events in my life. Letting go is a very difficult concept for me. I know others find it easy and it probably is, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I have heard that until you can think back on something and it not make you cry then you aren’t truly over it. I have had a lot of trauma and loss in my life but it is my job to create my own peace. Sometimes that involves brutal honesty, sometimes apologies and sometimes facing very scary situations. Most of the time I love inner work on myself. The opportunity to grow. The chance to see my personal flaws and try to become a better person. With all that said I have taken the somewhat easy route and left the big issues hidden and locked beneath the surface. Too scared to look. Partly because I was afraid the pain and hurt would swallow me whole.

All of this is a process, at least for me it is. A start or a beginning. Hurt, trauma, loss and grieving creates layers in a person. Layer in the physical body, the energetic body and in the soul itself. We have to be gentle with ourselves and take on healing layer by layer. For some this can take minutes or days. For others years or a lifetime. But this morning I felt the gentle nudge to address several things with several people. We all can feel this inner voice at times and we can either choose to ignore it or to listen. There have been many times I have ignored it too afraid to look at the emotional pain that was already there and the possibility that addressing the issue might cause more pain. But sometimes we are brave enough to listen to that inner voice and make a move. The hardest part for me is letting go of my desire for the outcome. To truly grow we must be willing to speak our voice and not be tied to what happens after. We all want to be heard and be validated but that isn’t really working to let go. Holding on to a desired outcome brings ego into the mix. And anyone who has had a run in with ego knows nothing good comes form it. It taints our healing. It take us down to the flawed level which most of the time is part of what causes the problem in the first place. So we must be willing to speak our truth and let that be our healing. To allow others to take what we say and do and have their own reactions and emotions to it. Trying to control someone else will just cause you both pain and I know because I have tried.

As I sit here typing this I am dealing with my least favorite part of inner work on the self. The emotions. Facing a situation gives the emotions permission to come bubbling up to the surface. It makes all the hard work I have done of burying these emotions seem like a waste of time. When you do allow the emotions to come back to the surface you can’t control how strong they are when they rear their head. You have to face them. You have to look them in the eye and give yourself permission to feel them. I hate that part. I like to be in control and when you allow yourself to work through past emotions you aren’t in control. You are inside a tornado of feelings. Some of which make sense and some don’t. You feel your feet come off the floor and yourself tossed about from extreme to extreme. But like any storm it does not last forever. It will eventually calm and you are left to clean up the mess it made. But the hope is as you work through the layers that when the storm comes back it is weaker and less intense. You can begin to calm the winds and keep your feet grounded for longer. For me it always involves looking at myself and addressing what I did wrong and sometimes that takes time to be far enough way to actually see the situation come into focus. One part of this is that does not excuse others behavior. I use to get lost in that part and still sometimes find myself arguing with it. Acceptance and owning your part does not take away someone else wrong doings. But while their actions can create great pain they are not yours to fix. You can only address the way it affects you. This is your job. You can not change what has happened. On some occasions you may get an apology but most of the time you don’t. And your healing can not depend on them. Now trust me when I say I am not 100 percent OK with this. But I know in most of my situations I will never get one. They are too lost in their own stories. But again, part of the work is not needing it to heal.

So in conclusion, be gentle with yourself as you embark on self healing. Allow yourself to feel out of control but don’t live there. As I go about my day I will keep telling myself that these feelings will not last forever and I will breathe again. My feet will land on the ground again. And in the meantime I will be grateful for the love and support of those around me.