“Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be”

Pictures of me…. Looking back on my life is a lot like looking back through someone else’s photo album. Lately I have found reflecting back on my past to be a very disconnected action. I have moments I can still connect with, if only through the leftover emotions. It truly feels like a book that I had started reading so long ago that I have almost forgot the beginning. That’s how my life has unfolded for the most part. In very distinct chapters, complete with dramatic characters and intricate plot lines. There is always a struggle, hidden lessons and then a very quick transition into the next chapter. Even though, at the time the transitions didn’t feel quick, to look at back at the actual years I have lived it seems like there is way too much information to fit into a book that has yet to be completed. But none the less, there it is, in a file stored somewhere in my heart and in my head.

In retrospect, I am very grateful for the ability my mind has to push a lot of these old memories into the back of my sub conscience. There are a lot of events in my life that I can be thankful for not having to relive each day. But then there are the ones that I want to remember which are becoming fuzzy as well. It is an interesting balance trying to live in the present moments and let your past be your past but still feel like you need to keep your history. Chances are I don’t need that history anymore. The healthiest option is probably to glance back and be thankful for all I have lived through and to bless the past with love and release it from my life. At least that is where my thinking falls at the moment. Who knows what tomorrow thinking might hold.

Anyone who knows me closely can speak to the dramatic nature of the events in my life. I chalk some of this up to my inherent stubbornness and some is just the life I entered into. In the past, and even not so past, it has taken the big sign to fall on my head before I get the lesson. I wish I had been one of those people who could hear the quite whisper of guidance and get the hell out of whatever negative situation I was in at the moment, but speaking for me as a book character, I make for a really good dramatic reading! With that in mind, admitting you have a problem is half the battle, right? So, over the last year I have done a lot of reflecting and I know that for the first time in my life I can begin to hear the whispers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am aware enough to always listen, but I am beginning to hear them.

I have found it intriguing how few people in my life are in my story for more than just a chapter. I was talking to my husband the other day about how there are these people in my life who I know are just meant to be here. And that is saying a lot, because I have had a lot of people come in and out of my life and very few of them I had any connection with or wanted them to be around for any length of time. Just over this last year, when I was able to begin to deeply shift my focus from pleasing everyone around me to being to be true to myself, did I start to see a few people from my past begin to sneak back into the plot line. And in addition to the past, I am deeply grateful for the new amazingly positive ones that I have connected with.

So as I sit here playing parts of my life over in my head, I am lost in wondering if it is worth looking at all I have been through. Is it the next logical step to put it down onto paper and see how it unfolds, or should I just be thankful for where I am today because of it all and move on….