“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

Ever have one of those days where you just want to give in and quit climbing up the mountain? I’ve had a few of those days lately and they have started me down the road of wondering why? Why now? After having just crossed the threshold into a brand new year and having successfully made it through one of the hardest years of my life, why now do I feel so down? Holiday blues? Maybe. Or maybe it goes deeper than that. Actually I know it does. But do I really want to look at what the real reason is? Not really! But that is what this post is all about. It is about me sitting down with resolve and looking at these emotions and dealing with them. I know, from past experience, that the unknown and unexamined are so much worse than the truth. So why have I put this off so long? I don’t know, but here goes…

Now, as I look at a brand new year, I am scared. I know that this year will be filled with changes, more changes than my inner voice believes I can handle. You know that voice right? That voice that fills you with self-doubt, that can so rapidly and swiftly convince you that you are not good enough that you never even stood a chance at arguing with it. Yeah, that’s what I’m up against right now. And until now, she was winning. And sadly, I didn’t even try to argue with her. I just believed her. Until today…

I like comfort, I think we all do. We all like security and the wonderful emotions that come from knowing where we are going in life. And without this we are left with the fear of the unknown. This is the real root of my emotions lately. This fear that I have boiling deep inside me is about knowing that I now have no one to blame for my unhappiness. I have methodically and carefully separated myself from most of the external causes of my pain over the last several years. 2011 was a year full of purging myself from my past. This was not always something I chose to do. Most of the time these situations were thrust upon me despite my begging that they go away. But this has been a wonderfully powerful and extremely painful experience all at the same time. It has been a journey that I am just now getting to the place where I can honestly say that I am glad I have gone though it all, well, most of it anyway. (Ok, I’m working on it!)  So, now with most of that moved into the past, I am left looking at the future. A future that I can create without the burden of being under someone else’s control and vision. There is a clean slate waiting to be written on and it’s just mine now. No one to blame, no one to be controlled by, just me. What could be more powerful and terrifying all at the same time? For me right now, nothing. This is a first, the first time that I am truly able to live my life on my own terms. I have been striving to release myself from he heavy load that I have carried for way too long. The guilt that I let limit me, the abuse that I allowed to stifle me and the control that I let dominate me. And there are moments that I can feel the freedom of carefully unpacking and taking these things off my back, but somehow it is almost more comfortable when they are there. This brings me back to the fear of the unknown.

I am not good at the unknown. Living peacefully in the present moment requires and acceptance of taking things as they come and not controlling every situation. Controlling situations in my life has been my only real sense of security. It has been an amazing coping skill. One I am thankful for getting me this far in life, but at the same time, one I am so ready to let go of. Nothing is more exhausting than trying to keep everything in control. As mothers, women, wives, daughters we all know this feeling to some degree. It is passed down to us by family and given to us by society, just to name a few. I don’t mean that is was negatively thrown upon us, but we got it all the same. So putting this down is very difficult for me. I am not sure I know how my shoulders feel without this weight on them. But I am determined to learn. Determined to learn and accept the feeling of freedom and insecurity that comes from taking life a step at a time.

“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”  ~Leo Buscaglia

These quotes to ring so true for me. But I know how little of my time is actually spent now, in this present moment. I am always projecting into the future. I know that with a busy life and children it is impossible not to plan ahead, but worrying ahead is a different story. And that is where I spend most of my days. I get lost in the worry of everyday life and now with this open door into the future I have allowed it to spiral me down into the depths of worry. When in reality I should be feeling excitement and joy at the amazing future that now lays before me. So, that is what I am going to work on now. I am going to begin to make friends with the unknown. I want to give my shoulders and back permission to feel the freedom of the giant bundle I have put down. I am going to give myself permission to be happy, to feel excitement and joy and to begin to find security in the unknown. But at the same time remember to take this journey step by step and to forgive myself if I slip momentarily back into old habits.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou