“Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be”

Pictures of me…. Looking back on my life is a lot like looking back through someone else’s photo album. Lately I have found reflecting back on my past to be a very disconnected action. I have moments I can still connect with, if only through the leftover emotions. It truly feels like a book that I had started reading so long ago that I have almost forgot the beginning. That’s how my life has unfolded for the most part. In very distinct chapters, complete with dramatic characters and intricate plot lines. There is always a struggle, hidden lessons and then a very quick transition into the next chapter. Even though, at the time the transitions didn’t feel quick, to look at back at the actual years I have lived it seems like there is way too much information to fit into a book that has yet to be completed. But none the less, there it is, in a file stored somewhere in my heart and in my head.

In retrospect, I am very grateful for the ability my mind has to push a lot of these old memories into the back of my sub conscience. There are a lot of events in my life that I can be thankful for not having to relive each day. But then there are the ones that I want to remember which are becoming fuzzy as well. It is an interesting balance trying to live in the present moments and let your past be your past but still feel like you need to keep your history. Chances are I don’t need that history anymore. The healthiest option is probably to glance back and be thankful for all I have lived through and to bless the past with love and release it from my life. At least that is where my thinking falls at the moment. Who knows what tomorrow thinking might hold.

Anyone who knows me closely can speak to the dramatic nature of the events in my life. I chalk some of this up to my inherent stubbornness and some is just the life I entered into. In the past, and even not so past, it has taken the big sign to fall on my head before I get the lesson. I wish I had been one of those people who could hear the quite whisper of guidance and get the hell out of whatever negative situation I was in at the moment, but speaking for me as a book character, I make for a really good dramatic reading! With that in mind, admitting you have a problem is half the battle, right? So, over the last year I have done a lot of reflecting and I know that for the first time in my life I can begin to hear the whispers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am aware enough to always listen, but I am beginning to hear them.

I have found it intriguing how few people in my life are in my story for more than just a chapter. I was talking to my husband the other day about how there are these people in my life who I know are just meant to be here. And that is saying a lot, because I have had a lot of people come in and out of my life and very few of them I had any connection with or wanted them to be around for any length of time. Just over this last year, when I was able to begin to deeply shift my focus from pleasing everyone around me to being to be true to myself, did I start to see a few people from my past begin to sneak back into the plot line. And in addition to the past, I am deeply grateful for the new amazingly positive ones that I have connected with.

So as I sit here playing parts of my life over in my head, I am lost in wondering if it is worth looking at all I have been through. Is it the next logical step to put it down onto paper and see how it unfolds, or should I just be thankful for where I am today because of it all and move on….

“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

Ever have one of those days where you just want to give in and quit climbing up the mountain? I’ve had a few of those days lately and they have started me down the road of wondering why? Why now? After having just crossed the threshold into a brand new year and having successfully made it through one of the hardest years of my life, why now do I feel so down? Holiday blues? Maybe. Or maybe it goes deeper than that. Actually I know it does. But do I really want to look at what the real reason is? Not really! But that is what this post is all about. It is about me sitting down with resolve and looking at these emotions and dealing with them. I know, from past experience, that the unknown and unexamined are so much worse than the truth. So why have I put this off so long? I don’t know, but here goes…

Now, as I look at a brand new year, I am scared. I know that this year will be filled with changes, more changes than my inner voice believes I can handle. You know that voice right? That voice that fills you with self-doubt, that can so rapidly and swiftly convince you that you are not good enough that you never even stood a chance at arguing with it. Yeah, that’s what I’m up against right now. And until now, she was winning. And sadly, I didn’t even try to argue with her. I just believed her. Until today…

I like comfort, I think we all do. We all like security and the wonderful emotions that come from knowing where we are going in life. And without this we are left with the fear of the unknown. This is the real root of my emotions lately. This fear that I have boiling deep inside me is about knowing that I now have no one to blame for my unhappiness. I have methodically and carefully separated myself from most of the external causes of my pain over the last several years. 2011 was a year full of purging myself from my past. This was not always something I chose to do. Most of the time these situations were thrust upon me despite my begging that they go away. But this has been a wonderfully powerful and extremely painful experience all at the same time. It has been a journey that I am just now getting to the place where I can honestly say that I am glad I have gone though it all, well, most of it anyway. (Ok, I’m working on it!)  So, now with most of that moved into the past, I am left looking at the future. A future that I can create without the burden of being under someone else’s control and vision. There is a clean slate waiting to be written on and it’s just mine now. No one to blame, no one to be controlled by, just me. What could be more powerful and terrifying all at the same time? For me right now, nothing. This is a first, the first time that I am truly able to live my life on my own terms. I have been striving to release myself from he heavy load that I have carried for way too long. The guilt that I let limit me, the abuse that I allowed to stifle me and the control that I let dominate me. And there are moments that I can feel the freedom of carefully unpacking and taking these things off my back, but somehow it is almost more comfortable when they are there. This brings me back to the fear of the unknown.

I am not good at the unknown. Living peacefully in the present moment requires and acceptance of taking things as they come and not controlling every situation. Controlling situations in my life has been my only real sense of security. It has been an amazing coping skill. One I am thankful for getting me this far in life, but at the same time, one I am so ready to let go of. Nothing is more exhausting than trying to keep everything in control. As mothers, women, wives, daughters we all know this feeling to some degree. It is passed down to us by family and given to us by society, just to name a few. I don’t mean that is was negatively thrown upon us, but we got it all the same. So putting this down is very difficult for me. I am not sure I know how my shoulders feel without this weight on them. But I am determined to learn. Determined to learn and accept the feeling of freedom and insecurity that comes from taking life a step at a time.

“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”  ~Leo Buscaglia

These quotes to ring so true for me. But I know how little of my time is actually spent now, in this present moment. I am always projecting into the future. I know that with a busy life and children it is impossible not to plan ahead, but worrying ahead is a different story. And that is where I spend most of my days. I get lost in the worry of everyday life and now with this open door into the future I have allowed it to spiral me down into the depths of worry. When in reality I should be feeling excitement and joy at the amazing future that now lays before me. So, that is what I am going to work on now. I am going to begin to make friends with the unknown. I want to give my shoulders and back permission to feel the freedom of the giant bundle I have put down. I am going to give myself permission to be happy, to feel excitement and joy and to begin to find security in the unknown. But at the same time remember to take this journey step by step and to forgive myself if I slip momentarily back into old habits.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou